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Living without desires?

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Acceptance of what is is a wisdom which most of us have difficulties to swallow. Desires are built on the assumption that the surrounding reality is not satisfactory. We become spellbound to constantly long after our objects of desire. In the best case, we become aware of the fantasies projected by desires. So, what if there is some grain of truth in the spiritual teachings of accepting what is?

When we don’t get what we want

Desires can have good and bad benefits in our lives. Their ultimate effect depends on how aware we are of our yearning.

The positive side of desires is that they give the dynamic touch to life. Desires are about improved lives.

We set goals based on the wishes of our hearts and we try hard to reach them. We are happy that the best time of our life is just around the corner.

The less positive side of being in a longing state of mind is that we get stuck with planning the future, which may be a hindrance to living in the present.

Not to mention that when things don’t turn out the way we want them to, the feeling of being a victim of life appears.

Spiritual teachers such as Nirmala and Eckhart Tolle argue that acceptance of what is, is the way to sustainable happiness. Yet, for some of us, this spiritual wisdom may be difficult to understand, let alone to practice it.

For example, someone may think, “What kind of nonsense is that, to accept that I can’t make as much money as I want?”

Why do I want so much what I want?

When things don’t turn out the way we want them to, it may help to go to the root of the problems and ask ourselves, “Why do I want to be rich?”

A general answer would be, “Money brings happiness”. The next question is to ask ourselves why we think we would be happy if we were rich.

We may afford a bigger house or a more expensive car.

We can buy a higher value health care insurance.

We can afford to travel more.

We may be better treated by others.

We would be more covered in case of any unknown event in the future.

We would be successful then.

All these answers are assumptions about a future time, which can’t be controlled by any human being, poor or rich.

Life has its own flow, which shapes our destinies in other ways than we can possibly imagine.

As hard as it sounds, try to silence the desires for a day or two

Instead of becoming obsessed with the discrepancy between the perceived reality and our desires, maybe one day we’ll be inspired to listen what life has to offer.

Based on that, take what we feel it is in alignment with our inner being and live today.

The first exercise of acceptance of what is

Have we accepted our origins? Can we honestly say that we love our parents and siblings the way they are? Despite their faults?

When the answer is yes, then we have the first sign of acceptance of what is. From this moment on, we start building enriching relationships with them.

Enriching interactions with family members require humbleness and awareness to what happens around us. And gratefulness for the upbringing that we received.

What do we get when we have learned acceptance?

Eventually, I believe it is less important to get what we want. What counts for sustainable happiness is to know how to be at ease with the present despite that we may not have what we want.

After all, how can we know that what we want is really good for us?

What kind of effects do desires have in your life? Please feel free to share with us in the field below allocated for comments.

How tolerant should we be with others’ intolerance?

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You’ve been hired in an organisation where after the first week, you find out that some colleagues and bosses are xenophobes. What is there to do?

Pretend that you don’t see how they belittle you because in their eyes you are less reliable and less professional?

You may want to punch them. It may feel very good for a few seconds, but maybe other approach may be constructive in the long run.

You can’t change others’ opinions easily. I consider it a waste of time. Instead, for the sake of your inner balance, you can embark on a journey of learning how to be tolerant with their intolerance.

The first step in the journey is to accept that we feel negativity caused by the tension between us and the xenophobic colleagues or bosses. Whatever happens, remember not to take it personally.

The second step is to remind ourselves that we deserve a working environment where we are accepted as human beings, irrespective of our nationalities, and where our professional skills are appreciated. In the current work place, the person who hired us must appreciate us. And there may be other similar people who can be part of our social network.

The third step is to do our job well. Focus on the tasks at hand. Don’t waste the time on the negative vibes at the office. Find ways to relax at work. Humour always helps. For example, print out on an A4 paper the following message, “I’m simply the best!“, and put it on your wall in the office.

If shit hits the fan and the xenophobic persons have too much effect on our wellbeing, then look for another job with an inspiring working environment. I know such places exist!

Walk away from the xenophobic work place as if you would walk out of a hospital. You met some sick people towards whom you showed understanding. Close the door to “the hospital”, wash your hands and smile. You’re back among healthy people!

 

I Dream of Seeing More Compassion

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What Do Religions Teach us?

Compassion, the feeling of concern for other person’s wellbeing, is one the main teachings of buddhism. In his book, Becoming Enlightened, His Holiness Dalai Lama talks about engendering great compassion on way to enlightenment. He describes seven steps to committing yourself to help others, which revolve around the idea of teaching your mind to find everyone dear and cultivate love for human beings, such as the poor and vulnerable.

Christianity talks also about the compassion in the parable of the good Samaritan, told by Jesus in the New Testament. The Samaritan helps a traveller which had been beaten and left almost dead on the side of the road, whereas the priest who had first passed by avoided the injured man.

My Experiences

My mother has always told me to help people who are in need. She repeated this message so many times throughout my childhood that it became one of my fundamental believes.

At my grandfather’s funeral, a friend of his told me a story about grandfather. One night, the two of them were walking home. They met a stranger who was going to walk all the way to the next village. It was a cold night and grandfather offered his jacket to the stranger. He was quite close to his home and the stranger needed the jacket more than he did. I was very close to my late grandfather but he had never mentioned this story to me. I would have never known it if it hadn’t been for his friend.

Ever since I’ve been a mother, I became more aware about how people behave towards my baby and I. For example, for one year, I have been walking around pushing the pram and carrying the baby bag in my back. When entering the stores, I keep the door open with one hand and with the other hand, I hold onto the pram. People come in and out as if I were hired to be the doorwoman or as if I were invisible. Rarely, someone notices me and keeps the door open so that I can enter as well.

Other times, it happens that I have to stand in line for buying a train ticket, for example. With a 11kg baby in the arms, fighting to escape, I decide to go in front and ask for permission to buy the ticket. Most of the times, people look at me as if I were a strange creature, talking a language they don’t understand. Their facial expression says, “Why don’t you stand in line like the rest of us?”. There is usually one person in the line who shouts, “Let her pass, she has a baby, can’t you see?”

What Do Scientists Tell Us?

I’ve been wondering why do I see so few reflections of compassion in my every day life? Do people feel compassion at all? Or is compassion but a virtue set as an example – never to be attained by humans – in spiritual and religious books? Immanuel Kant, the German philosopher, thought of compassion as a “soft-heartedness and should not occur at all among human beings.” (http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_compassionate_instinct)

However, recent studies done by psychologists and neuroscientists show that Kant was not right in his judgement. Both the body and the brain seem to be wired so that we respond to other people suffering. Yet, feeling compassion is different from acting as a result of feeling.

Social researcher David DeSteno did an experiment which showed that people have the tendency to help others if they perceive some commonality with the person they decide to help (http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/opinion/sunday/the-science-of-compassion.html). He concludes that compassion can be cultivated by changing the way we perceive the people around us: in terms of similarities. DeSteno’s finding confirms the first step to practising compassion recommended by Buddhist teachings:

“I have difficulty seeing any person in the long past who has not been your father, mother, uncle, aunt, sister, master, abbot, guru or guiding figure.” (Dalai Lama, Becoming Enlightened, pp. 166)

My Conclusion

In conclusion, compassion lives in all of us. It is a matter of being aware that it is in us, and to be willing to practice it and cultivate it. Next time when I keep the door open so that people can come in and out of the store, I will be saying out loud, “You’re welcome!”

 

A New Kind of Gratefulness

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At the end of 2012 and beginning of 2013, I have experienced a strong feeling of gratitude for a group of people I have never met but whose sacrifice had a tremendous influence on my destiny. This group of people are the ones who rebelled against the Communist regime in Romania in December 1989. They risked their lives for the right to live in a democratic country.

The protests took place from 16 December to 22 December when unarmed people rioted against the guns, tanks, and anti-terrorist troops (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romanian_Revolution_of_1989). I don’t know how they must have felt or what must have been the last thoughts in the minds of the protesters who lost their lives during the protests. It took 1104 deaths and 3352 injured protestants to take Ceausescu down.

Starting with that bloody December 1989, Romanian people had the right to freedom of speech and expression. I am one of them and each December, I feel indebted to light a candle for those people who died so that I can have the life that I have now.

Life is such a dynamic network of connections between people. While we focus on our mini universes, there are moments when our actions benefit other person’s life. Our souls are connected at a higher level of existence and in this life, our lives are pieces of a big puzzle of humanity.

At the beginning of a new year, I have my heart full of gratitude for being part of this puzzle of humanity and I hope that one day, my actions are going to bring positive changes into other persons lives. Happy New Year! 🙂

How Faithfully Do Words Reflect Our Emotions?

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I love poetry and romance books. One verse in a poem or one sentence in a book would touch me deeply and would keep me company for days, sometimes weeks. When I started writing poems, it took only a few minutes to write a poem down. The process of creation has always been a mystery to me. For example, I would sit in a bus when I felt there was a poem in me waiting to be written. The next thing was to look for a piece of paper and a pen in my bag. Yet, I realised that as much as I love words, they fail to express the intensity of the feelings bubbling deep inside.

To my mind, especially words like love, joy or grievance are weak indications of the state of being of Love, Joy or Grievance. I remember when I met a friend after her father had passed away. I wanted to say something to show that I genuinely sympathised for her loss. Despite all my effort to come up with an empathic sentence, I quickly said the official “Condolences” to her. I knew there was no word invented which could comfort her a tiny bit. Being by her side in silence was the best thing I could do.

Someone told me, “A good poet or writer will always find words to express feelings.” This may be the case, but not all of us are born poets or writers. Common people feel the urge to communicate strong feelings too.

I was reading Eckhart Tolle’s book, “A New Earth“, when I realised that when feeling pure Love, Joy, or Grievance, the most important is to focus on those states of being without assigning any words to them. Those are the rare moments when we truly live – when the mind is quiet and the inner state is “talking”.

Saying “I love you” maybe not need to be said too often. When Love and Joy are felt at the deepest level of our being, they emanate an energy which is felt by the persons whom we truly love.

I will always be in love with words, especially the ones positively charged, and I am aware how important words are in communication (this blog post is one example). Still, in my opinion, our subjective inner lives are by far much richer. Hence, before hurrying up to express how we feel, it is worthwhile to listen in silence to what we feel.

Do You Have Fear of Pain? Tell Me How You Deal With It

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I have always had a terrible fear of physical pain. My pain tolerance went so high that when I would cut my finger, the feeling of the pain combined with the sight of blood would lead to fainting. After giving birth, I congratulated myself for defeating my general fear of pain and the specific fear of labor. I was proud for joining the league of super women who defied the pain and gave birth naturally (thanks God for epidural). I thought that I became stronger.

Few days ago, I saw my dentist. Waiting to be called into the dentist’s office, to my surprise, I started feeling dizzy. I was laying down on the chair of torture with the protection glasses on, when after only few seconds the lenses became blurry and my forehead sweaty. To my bigger surprise, I was terrified of the anticipated pain as much as before giving birth – if not even more.

In 2001, a team of Finnish researchers from the Helsinki University Central Hospital, the department of Obstetrics and Gynaecology did a study on the pain tolerance in women with fear of labor and compared it with the pain tolerance in women without fear of labor (should you want to see the elaborate description of how the pain was measured and the study was conducted, please read Saisto et al., 2001). I thought that every woman has fear of labor. I stand corrected. The findings of the study show that all the women, both the fearful and the fearless have a lower pain tolerance during pregnancy than after pregnancy – not my case. Yet, both before and after pregnancy, the women with fear of labor tolerated pain for a shorter period of time compared with the women without fear of labor. In addition, fear of labor may reduce the pain tolerance in some women, and I seem to be one of them.

The findings of the above-mentioned study seem counterintuitive to me. After I managed one of the most excruciating pains, why am I even more afraid when I am anticipating pain?

Strong motivation. That’s the key. During the labor, the thought that I want my baby to come out of me healthy gave me the courage to manage the pain the best I could. During the visit to the dentist, my mind was blocked by fear. So, after getting over the disillusionment that my pain tolerance decreased after giving birth, I figured out that learning how to manage the fear is the most desirable behaviour. What does this mean? It means lots of work with my flimsy mind, which will be put to test during the next visit to the dentist – not any time soon. 🙂

I cooked up my future reaction to the fear of pain. That’s what we need to do when we have fears: plan how to circumvent them. So, what I’ll do first is to accept my fear and communicate it to the dentist. Being a woman, it should be easier to confess that I am afraid. If I were a man, probably I’d skip this first step and go ahead to the next one, which is thinking of something joyful while the dentist will be excavating my teeth (i.e., the smile of my baby or me eating Ben&Jerry’s). Last, I’ll keep on saying to myself that the pain is only temporary. I shall see how my mind will be willing to cooperate!

 

So What If Men Were Happier Than Women?

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We were driving to a friend’s place and I was complaining how much I hate Winter. The frozen and grey landscapes unfolding in front of my eyes stunned me. The thought that this Winter will be around for the next five months horrified me even more. I came up with scenarios of escapes to milder climate. “You pay too much attention to what happens around you,” , my husband said. “Ignore the weather!”

“Men must be happier than women”, I mumbled to my chin. It was a generalisation on the spur of the moment, but it got glued to my mind. I knew I am not the only one who thinks that men are happier. Every woman must think the same at least once in their lifetime. Is it really true that men are the favourites of God? I got curious: how did researchers in psychology and sociology tackle this issue?

The latest results come from research in genetics, which concludes that women may actually be happier than men. Scientists in genetics identified a specific gene, which is correlated with the self-reported happiness of the women which took part in the study (http://www.forbes.com/sites/meghancasserly/2012/08/28/women-are-happier-than-men-testosterone-to-blame/). The correlation did not exist in sample of men which participated to the study. This specific gene is called monoamine oxidase A (MAOA) and it determines how the brain processes dopamine and serotonin, the chemicals which determine our innate level of happiness.

 

Furthermore, the scientists explain that the testosterones prevent men from being happy in the long-run. The older men get, the levels of testosterones increase and cancel the positive effects of the MAOA on men’s mental state.

 

Psychologist Sonja Lyubomisrky says that both men and women have equal chances to become happier, despite the happiness level determined by their genes. In her book, “The How of Happiness“, Sonja Lyubomirsky agrees that both men and women have a genetically determined predisposition towards happiness of 50%. As we become adults, 10% of our happiness is coming from life circumstances, such as income level or marital status – surprisingly little, I may say. We are left with this significant 40% chance to happiness, which is great news from everyone, including the born depressed ones!

 

Alan Krueger, a Princeton economist in collaboration with four psychologists analysed the data of a survey on the happiness of women and men in USA over the last four decades (http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/25/business/worldbusiness/25iht-leonhardt.7636350.html?pagewanted=all). Based on this study, men are happier than women in our modern society. Men are working less and relaxing more. Women have two jobs, one paid and the other one at home, even though they admit cleaning the house is not done as thoroughly as three decades ago. In addition, women have longer to-do lists, which can be stressful if tasks are left undone. For example, women spend 90 minutes more than men on unpleasant activities, such as paying bills.

 

Anke Plagnol, sociologist at Cambridge University and Richard Easterlin, economist at the University of Southern California, compared responses to two surveys – one on aspirations and attainments and the other on satisfaction and happiness (http://www.newscientist.com/blog/shortsharpscience/2008/07/are-men-happier-than-women.html). They concluded that women are happier in the first part of adulthood but in the mid-life there is a change-over in the happiness level. Women become more depressed whereas men are more likely to be more fulfilled and happier, and it all comes down to unfulfilled desires.

 

So, who is happier than who? Women seem to be born with a special gene, which helps them smile throughout life. The testosterone cancels out the effect of this special gene in men, which makes men grumpier as they grow old. Psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky and her two colleagues bring good news to both genders by showing that we have the capacity to fight for happiness. Poor or wealthy, married or divorced, healthy or unhealthy, man or woman, we have the power to improve our lives.

 

How can women fight for their happiness despite their spending more time on unpleasant activities or unfulfilled goals? After a certain age, the feeling of fulfilment is the main source of happiness. Maybe life didn’t go exactly as you hoped for – this is valid for both genders. Yet, whenever you feel unfulfilled, take a closer look at your life and you’ll see there is at least one aspect which has meaning. Start from there the way towards happiness and continue it with the change of your mindset.

 

In the end, I guess that men and women are happy in their own way, with the peculiarities in which the nature designed them to have. For example, women are designed to give birth to their babies and men to spread their seeds. Women get to experience the happiness of feeling their baby move inside them. Men get to experience the happiness of impregnating the woman they love (ideally).

 

Women may come from Venus and men from Mars but they live on Earth and they can teach one another some lessons of happiness. For example, women can learn from men how to be more confident in life and relax more. In their turn, it is high time that men learnt that sharing with their spouses the less pleasant activities, like housekeeping, is a simple way to maintain the happiness in their relationship.

 

Finally, life is by far more exciting with all the differences between men and women. No matter who is happier than who, happiness can be contagious, so watch out with whom you are hanging out!